Dealing with disappointment

How do you prepare your child for disappointment?  How do you ensure that they understand what it's like to lose something they really wanted, and yet not have the experience break them?  To feel enough of the hurt to appreciate the good when it comes around?  How do you expect an eight year old to understand it's okay to be sad, and it won't help the outcome by being mad?

As a parent you want to protect your child from the pain.  And yet I know that I often need to just stand beside her with a listening ear, a hand to hold and a kleenex to wipe away the tears.

Today Ellie learned she didn't make the reading team in Mrs. Hunter's class this year.  The tryout was last week and they needed to read aloud, alone with Mrs. Hunter for her to assess their skills.  I was happy she tried out, and when she explained how it went I was even prouder still.  She told me that her tryout was good and afterward she told Mrs. Hunter, "Its okay if I don't make the Reading Team.  I like lots of other things too like Math, Science, Music too!"

So yesterday when she came home she said she didn't make the team.  And she was really disappointed.  I took a breath.  And asked her how she felt.  She said she really WANTED to be a part of that team, and even a couple of her friends had been selected.

Lots of emotions and words went through my head trying to find the right ones.  I wanted to protect, to support, to understand all at the same time.

"Ellie," I told her, "you tried your hardest at the reading test and I'm proud of you for trying."  "There are times when we want something very much but we still don't get what we want.  This is one of those times."

"I know Mommy."

"I'm sorry you're hurt.  This doesn't mean you didn't do well.  You did your best.  Sometimes even when we do our best, we're still not chosen.  It happens to all of us at times."

"I know Mommy."

"Ellie, you know what else I'm proud about?  How well you do when you try.  You are trying really hard at soccer and you are really good!  I'm so proud of all the effort you put into it and how it really shows!"

"Mommy, I'm SO glad you said that.  I'm glad you know how hard I'm trying- it's HARD work to get better!"

"Yes, Ellie it is hard work.  And when it pays off don't you feel great about all the work you put into it?"

"I guess so."

"Ellie, I love you and I'm proud of you.  Doesn't matter if you're chosen or not.  Just keep trying!"

"Okay Mommy.  I love you too"

Whew - disaster averted!