I recall being a fifth grade girl many years ago. My teacher was Mrs. Hill and I attended St. Peter's Elementary School with many of the students I'd known for years. It was a small-classroom environment focused on the basics of mathematics, social studies, language arts and religion. Honestly, I don't recall the school work being hard. It was the social game that grew more complicated as the years went on. Particularly 10 and 11-year old girl friendships.
Truth be told, I don't know that much has changed. Girls are still girls. Boys are still boys. Throw in more electronics, activities and competitive parents and likely the experience has only intensified.
Ellie is also in 5th grade. I'm happy to say she is adjusting to much more homework, changing classes every 40 minutes and has a core group of friends she has lunch with each day. This includes Grace, the star from the soccer team, Erma, a new friend this year at Draper and Grace from Whitt last year. I love how she talks about her lunch with them, as I picture four girls who look nothing alike giggling and trying to finish their lunches in the short 20 minutes allotted.
Here's the hitch. One of the 'friends' who in a couple classes with her is Aubrey. We knew Aubrey last year. She's sort of a mean girl. When Ellie starts describing what she has said to her that day at school in brings me all the way back to those days of figuring out how to navigate a 'friend' who was very hard to read. They wanted to be friends one day, and not the next.
Here's the beauty of age - now I realize why certain days she wanted to be friends and other days she didn't depended on who else was available to her. Fickle, one might call her. Aubrey has older sisters - which I have decided must be mean to her because she's learned that being mean is an accepted practice. She makes fun of Ellie - something she'll wear, her legs, the way Ellie will do something.
We've sat and talked about it. Aubrey doesn't get to decide who you are and what you do. She isn't the judge and jury of your life. Only you can decide. We've talked about the fact that Aubrey may not be very happy inside and this bubbles over and hurts other people. I asked Ellie if she would say or do to people what Aubrey does, and of course she said, "NO!" Because we both know what that feels like and we wouldn't want to do that to a .... friend.
So fast forward a couple weeks. Aubrey is being nice to Ellie again. Following her around school for a couple of days, asking to sit with her. I asked Ellie how that made her feel. "That Aubrey likes me again." So I asked her, "do you want to wonder from one day to the next if she is going to be your friend, or would you rather focus your energy on people who are there for you day in and day out - being your friend - not deciding if they are going to friendly to you?"
She understands. And yet she says, 'but she's being nice to me ...."
Which is when I launched into, 'the first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." I helped her see that actions are very powerful. That we should surround ourselves with people who make us feel good about who we are, not wonder the next time they will say something mean to us.
I'm not sure how this will play out. What I am sure of is that the pain of a mean girl, an on-again, off-again friend doesn't go away. I still recall particular girls from these early days - and the pain that friendship causes. As I've matured I've chosen wisely. That's where I'll help Ellie focus.
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